The Life Of A Cutter
by Magic Writer 207
Summary: Blood seeps out of the cut and a single tear falls down my face.You're wondering why I'm doing this. I'll tell you it's my life story, the life of a cutter and how my friends found out, and what happened after.
1. Prolougue

The Life Of A Cutter

Prolouge

I pressed the blade to my tan skin and blood seeps out of the new cut and drips down my arm. A single tear drips down my face. I squeeze my hazel eyes shut from the pain and start to silently sob. The tears fall off my face onto the tiled bathroom floor and mix with the blood. "Why," I mutter through my silent sobs, my body shaking like a leaf "Why." I repeat but this time louder. "Why...Why...Why," I repeat over and over now shouting. This has been going on for two weeks now and nobody has noticed. Not my friends, not Katie, not Mama Knight, not even, Gustavo or Kelly. "Don't they care about me?" I whisper once my sobs have subsided. I wrap a bandanna around my wrists and pull on a jacket to hide to hide my new cut. I hide the razor and walk out the bathroom and sit on the neon orange couch. Thanking my luck that my three best friends are practicing songs with Gustavo and that Mama K and Katie are out shopping. I'm the only one home, left to be lonely and break down again. Having a new cut to hide. But it's just another day in the life of James Diamond, a lonely cutter.


	2. A Close Call

Ch.2 A Close Call

**Author's Note: Thank you to everybody who reviewed this story, added it to their favorites list, or added it to their subscription list. You guys rock! ;)**

James POV

The slamming of the apartment door and the of "Hey James" woke me up from my -for once-peaceful slumber. I lifted my head and gave Carlos, Kendall, and Logan a forced grin as they sat down on the neon colored couch. "You missed a great session James! Gustavo actually complimented us!" Carlos said with a huge ear-to-ear grin on his face and excitement and happiness in his eyes. An emotion my body, mind, and soul had long lost. But, of course I just force a grin and keep the depressing feelings bottled up inside. I don't want to be even more of a burden to my friends than I already am.

"That's awesome." I said, forcing my grin to grow wider. "I'm gonna go down to the pool you guys coming?" Kendall asked. "Sure." Logan answered. "Yeah ." Carlos answered. When they were about to step out the door Kendall looked back at me and asked "You coming James?" I shook my head and said "I don't feel like going down to the pool , you guys go ahead I'm just gonna do some homework." "Okay see you later." Logan said as they walked out into the hall shutting the door behind them.

I did homework for half an hour and finished it. I tried watching TV, I tried looking through my head shots, I tried reading. But I still kept getting the feeling to go into the bathroom and make several more cuts on my arms. And there's little voice in the back of my head saying my friends don't care about me. Another voice is saying to make another cut. I keep hearing those voices over and over.

Then slowly my body raises from the couch. I'm not even aware of it as I walk towards the bathroom and shut the door. It's like my body is on autopilot as I get out the razor dried blood on it showing what I use it for. I slowly lower the blade to my arm and press down and run the knife my arm about an inch. Blood starts seeping out of the cut and falls to the the floor in droplets staing the bright white tile. I stare at the cut for ten minutes before I get a towel and wipe up the blood from the floor. But I don't clean the cut, I just sit on the tile floor and watch the blood seep out of the wound.

A few tears make there way down my face before I can stop them. But instead of sobbing again I just wipe away the tears and suffer in silence. I'm used to it, I do it every day. I may seem happy and full of energy around my friends but that's all a facade, a mask. It's not the real me. But people like the mask better than the real me. I want to tell them about my cutting problem, but those little voices in the back of my head keep stopping me from telling them. They say my friends will be mad if I tell them, that they'll throw me out of the apartment, that they won't accept me, that...I'll be even more of a burden than I already am.

The door opening and shutting pulls me from my thoughts. I hear my friends voices and hurry to hide the razor. I hide the razor, wipe the blood from my arm, and hide the towel. I get a new wrist band on my wrist and pull down my sleeve, the door opening and Logan walking in just when I have the sleeve rolled back down. "Hey James you styling your hair again." Logan says with a teasing smile. "Yeah." I say and force a grin. I walk past Logan and out of the bathroom. I see Kendall and Carlos on the couch watching hockey. I walk past the brightly colored couch and into the room Kendall and I share. I close the door lean against the door an sink down to the floor. I bury my head between my knees and grab my hair with my fists.

"That was too close of a call they almost found out." I whisper. "We don't want that to happen remember you'll just be more of a burden to them if they find out. If they find out they'll hate you." the voice at the back of my head says cruelly. A single tear rolls down my face at those words. 'Would they really hate me if they found out …...yes they would because I would become even more of a burden to them, just an annoying little burden they want to get rid of.' I think and more tears silently falling down my face. I slowly stand up and look at the clock and see it reads 11:00. I walk slowly towards the dresser and change into my pajamas. I walk to the bed and literally fall into it and pull the covers up to my face to hide my tears.

I pretend to be asleep when Kendall walks in and goes to bed. I wait till I hear his steady breathing indicating that he's asleep. Then I start sobbing. I end crying myself into a sleep plagued with nightmares about my friends finding out about my cutting problem.


	3. A Phone Call, A Flashback, And A Dream

Life Of A Cutter

Chapter 3. A Phone Call,A Flashback, And A Dream

James POV

I look around me. I'm in a room. I don't recognize it. It's bare. No furniture. The walls, ceiling, and floor are painted black. No pictures on the walls. I stand up and suddenly start panicking. Taking short, sharp breaths, it's getting harder to breath. Because I just realized one very vital piece of information.

THERES NO DOOR!

I start pounding on the walls and screaming. I recognize this room now. This is the room from my other dreams.

No, my other nightmares!

My throat is starting to become hoarse from screaming. Just as I was about to straight out kick the wall a voice behind me stopped that. I spun around and came to look at a shocking image. Logan, who's wearing jeans ripped at the knees, a dark green muscle shirt, and a black leather jacket, and looks extremely pissed off. "Logan..." I trail off in a whisper. "You fucking piece of shit." he hisses angrily venom dripping from his voice. "Wha-a-a-at. Wh-at d-o you mean?" I ask shakily. 'Logan wouldn't act like this unless someone did something really horrible to his friends. He usually so calm and collected. Kendall, Carlos, and I have never seen him act like this.'

"What I mean is you are a freaking son of a bitch for cutting. Can't you see Kendall, Carlos, and I don't want to have to deal with your problems. Just deal with them yourself and stop being such a burden to us!" he shouted angrily. "I don't mean to be a burden to you guys." I say reluctantly. This is a different Logan, I don't know how he will react to anything and I don't want to set him off.

"Well you freaking are!"

Oh well so much for not setting him off. I give a mental sigh and say "Why am I a burden Logan?" as calmly as I can. "Shut up you don't deserve to speak to me. But I might as well answer that question. You are a burden because you're throwing all your own problems on us expecting us to fix them. Well news flash we shouldn't have to fix them for you. You expect us to feel sorry for you, but guess what we don't. Why should we? You don't deserve that, all you care about is yourself, your hair , your ugly face. Oh , and no matter how much time you spend on your hair, face, and clothes you will always be an ugly, little piece of shitty crap that can't take care of himself has to rely on others. You didn't even thank Kendall for making your dream come true, he could have come here by himself yet he was nice enough to bring all of us. Although you didn't deserve to come to Hollywood you never have. And now you go off and start cutting yourself. Were you even thinking of any us when started doing this? Of course you weren't because all you care about is yourself you bastard." He says venom dripping from the words and anger seething off him.

Tears start making their way down my face. That hurt. A LOT. I can't believe Logan could ever be this mean, but there's that little voice in my head saying he's right, that he's telling the truth. 'Of course he's right and you know it. Yet you still keep trying to tell yourself otherwise because you're to scared to face the truth even though you know that they will continue thinking of you as a burden if you don't face the truth and man up. You need to man up You piece of ugly shit.' 

"Look at you you're crying. You can't even take this." he sneered. He raised his fisted hand and punched me with so much force that it knocked me to the floor.

_End Of Dream_

I shot up in bed my chest heaving desperately trying to get air in. Slowly I calmed down and turned my to the the right and looked at the glowing numbers on my clock. _3:27am _ I looked over at Kendall glad to see he wasn't awake I don't want to bother him with my petty problems. The words Logan had said in my dream started reeling through my mind. Is that really what my friends think of me? I ask myself. "It's the truth Jamie you know it is. Man up and face it. It's the truth, it's the truth, it's the truth, it's the truth..." the voice in my head keeps saying over and over again. And I'm starting to believe it. I slowly get out of bed and walk towards the bathroom. I quietly close the door and get out my razor. I take off my wrist band and put the razor on my wrist. I press down and drag the razor up my arm. The cut turns red as soon as I take the razor off my arm. The blood slides down my arm. Dripping onto the tailed floor, staining it crimson. I stare at the cut. I would have continued to stare at it unless the words Logan had said in the dream hadn't started running through my head again. I then grab a towel and wipe the blood from my arm and hold it to the cut until it stops bleeding. I put the wristband back on and check the time on my phone. _3:50am. _I was staring at the cut for about thirty minutes.

I shake my end to try dispel any unpleasant thoughts and wipe the blood up from the floor. I hide the razor and the blood soaked towel. I lean against the wall. With a sigh I think back to one of the main reasons I started cutting. This reason started a few months after my mom married my step dad.

**FLASHBACK**

"**I'm home." I shout slamming the door behind me. I throw my backpack on the floor and start to head towards the kitchen to get a snack. "What did I tell you about shouting." my step dad's cold and angry voice stops me in my tracks. I whirl around and start stuttering an answer. "I-I d-d-d-didn't mean t-to sh-sh-shout." I say knowing a sound weak. "And I told you not to dump your stuff all over the house!" he shouts angrily. I mentally curse myself for coming home before my mom got home. "Answer me." my stepfather demands. "I'm sorry I wont' do it aga-" I'm cut off as a he slaps me across my face. "It sure as hell better not happen again." he growls. "I-I-I-t wo-wo-won't." I manage to get out. "What was that were you stuttering, you need to man up you worthless piece of shit."he says grabbing the collar of my shirt. He drags me over to the lit fireplace. He grabs the log turner with my family's crest. My mom's mother was born in Italy then moved to America. Then while they were visiting Italy my mom was born. I was born here in America, but I've been to Italy and visited my family there. Me, my mom, and my dad can all speak Italian perfectly. He holds it over to the fire until it's burning hot. He lifts up my shirt and slams it on to the left side of my stomach. "Aaaaaaaahhh!" I scream out in pain. He just pushes it in harder with a sneer on his face. "You deserve the pain!" he shouts. He throws me on the floor and starts hitting me over and over with the log turner. Bruises start appearing on my skin. Some of the wounds start bleeding blood trickling down my stomach. "Stop stop please stop!" I scream over and over again.**

**End Of Flashback**

I shake my head trying to rid my mind from the memory. I check my phone and it says _7:00am. '_I really need to stop thinking about that' I mentally scold myself. My phone's ringing pulls me from my thoughts. I check the caller ID and it says _Mom._

"Hey mom." I say a smile gracing my face as I answer my phone. "Hey Jamie." I hear my mom's soft, sweet voice say. "I got some good news." my mom says happily. "What?" I ask. "You're step dad and I coming out to visit!" she says gleefully.


	4. Cloaked Hurt

Chapter 4: Cloaked Hurt

**AN: It's Magic Writer 207 back from the dead here to update my stories. I updated yesterday so you can't be that mad. (Ducks to avoid rotten fruit, arrows, poison darts, and flame throwers)**

James' POV

My blood runs cold. No this can't be happening, not here, not now. "That's great I say." I say with fake happiness having to force the words from my throat.

"I know I can't wait to see you and your friends!" she says enthusiastically. "Well, I have to go, bye mom, love you." I say leaning my head against the edge of the bathtub. "Bye Jamie, love you." My mom says then hangs up.

I take deep breaths trying to keep calm. "Okay James, keep calm, you can deal with this and no one has to know about anything." I say sighing.

"Yeah I can totally keep my friends, who I'm extremely close to and live with, from finding out that my step-father treats me like shit." I say rolling my eyes. I clean up the bathroom before going back in my room and getting dressed. I check the clock which now says _7:45. _I walk out into the kitchen where everyone else is. I sit at the table between Kendall and Katie.

"Good morning James." says placing a plate of pancakes in front of me. 'Thanks Ms.K." I say digging into my breakfast. "What took you so long to get up?" Carlos asks around a mouthful of pancakes. "Well some people actually get beauty sleep." I say smirking.

I duck to dodge a tennis ball that's thrown at me. "Ha!" I say in triumph, smiling until I get in the side of the head by a tennis ball. I glare at Carlos as he, Kendall, and Logan laugh. "Hey, would you freaking stop that!" I snap. "Whatever, we have a recording session with Gustavo in an hour. Besides hats got you so worked up?" Kendall asks quirking one of his large eyebrows. "Nothings wrong." I say wanting to change the subject. "Seriously James, what's wrong?" Logan asks.

"Oh nothings sbagliato solo il mio freaking papa violenti vengono a visitare! Ma voi ragazzi non sanno nulla dei miei genitori un abuso. Questo significa che sto audando a nascondere la mia injurys di nouovo. E voi ragazzi siete miei migliori amici che dovresti notare qualcosa che non va. Ma voi ragazzi uon hanno, non quanato il mio patrigno prima inizato abusare di me e non ora. Quindi non mi chiedete nemmendo se qualcosa non va bene." I snap glaring.

Logan, Carlos, Kendall, and Katie look at me in confusion. "Um, we don't speak Italian." Logan says cautiously. "Sorry guys." I say sighing. "It's okay James, but you would tell us if something was wrong, right?" Carlos asks in concern. "Right." I answer.

We finish eating in silence and play dome hockey until its Kelly picks us up to go to the studio. The limo ride is silent but I can feel my friend's stares focused on me. When we arrive at the studio I bolt out of the limo and into the studio.

I sit on the couch and wait for Logan, Kendall, and Carlos to catch up. They come and sit on the couch after about three minutes. Gustavo walks out of his office and stands in front of us.

"Dogs, today you will be recording a new song and you will be practicing new dance moves for four hours." Gustavo says while Kelly hands us the sheet music for the new song. "Four hours, seriously, are you trying to make our legs fall off?" I exclaim.

"No and would you like to make it six hours?" Gustavo asks angrily.

"No, so I guess I should just let you treat us like shit." I snap glaring. "What's wrong with you?" Gustavo says raising his eyebrows. "Nothing, nothing at all." I say leaning my head back, closing my eyes, and sighing.


	5. Chapter 5: Realize

**AN: I know I should have updated this story sooner and you guys probably thought I was dead. But I'm alive and back to update my stories. I promise you guys I will update as many stories as I can this week, my goal is to have 'The Life Of A Cutter' and 'A Secret Life' finished in the next two months. Although my updates for 'Mystery Duelist' and 'Full Moon Problems' may take more time than the others because I'm not that good at writing duels, I'm still trying to build Annetta's deck, and I'm going to have to read the Vampire Plagues Series again.**

Kendall, Logan, Carlos and James collapse on the couch in the studio. "I am so glad that torture is over." James manages to say through his panting breaths. "Yeah, that was awful!" Carlos exclaims in agreement.

"Well at least it'll help you get better." Kelly says watching the boys recover. "So making our lungs explode will help us sound better?" Kendall says the statement dripping with sarcasm. "Actually it probably would. Now, Kelly take the dogs home, I need them at eight o'clock sharp tomorrow." Gustavo say glaring at the boys as they are draped across the couch.

"I got it Gustavo." Kelly says walking out the door. "And don't do anything stupid dogs." Gustavo adds as the guys follow Kelly out the door. "We won't." Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and James say with no promise held in their words.

The ride back to the Palm Woods is silent for James as he tunes out his best friends' conversation and leans his head against the window. The boys get out of the limo and Kelly tells them "Don't forgot about the recording session." before they close the door. "We won't, I promise." Logan says closing the door and the boys wave goodbye as the limo drives off. "Come on guys, let's go I'm hungry." Carlos says while walking towards the elevator Logan, Kendall, and James following him. The ride up to 2J is silent also and is over quickly only taking a few minutes.

The boys walk into the apartment and throw themselves onto the couch. "Well, what do you guys wanna do now?" Kendall asks looking at his friends. "I don't know." James answers tilting his head to the side so he can see the others. "Before we do anything I think we need to talk, you've been acting strange for a few days." Logan states looking at James concern shining in his warm, caring brown eyes.

"I'm fine, there's nothing to worry about." James says, trying to make it sound as convincing as he can. "Are you sure?" Kendall questions, him and Carlos turning to look at James. "I'm completely sure." James answers but that little voice inside his head starts chanting '_lies, lies, all lies, you little piece of shit liar. To much of a coward to tell them the truth, that's why they hate you._'

"Ok, but you would definitely tell us if something wasn't alright, right Jay?" Carlos says worry clearly showing in his caring words. "Of course I would, we already had this conversation in the morning. You guys are my best friends I can and will tell you anything." James tries to make his friends believe his words, so of course he doesn't think he did a good job. These days James thinks he can't do anything right.

"Well if you say so, do you want to play dome hockey with us then?" Kendall gets up and moves over to the dome hockey table. "Actually I'm going to take a walk." James says going to the door. "Okay, see you later Jay." Logan states and he, Kendall, and Carlos stare at the door as James walks out.

There are a lot of things on James' mind as he walks through Palm Woods Park. He's thinking about his friends, his cutting, his mom, and his horrid step-father.

'That was too close back there, I cannot let my friends realize somethings wrong. If they find out Carlos, Logan, and Kendall will think I'm even more pathetic than they think I am now.' James is mulling over things until he comes to a sight that makes him stop in his tracks.

He looks at the group of friends just hanging out and his thoughts immediately go to his own friends. 'Why the hell do I have to be so weak, so useless? I'm dragging my friends down. If only I was stronger then Logan, Carlos, Kendall, and I could be like that, we wouldn't have to worry about drama or any stupid issues I have.' he tries to coming up with ways that he can better himself so they can have what he saw but he can't. James walks away torturing his own soul by thinking he's a pathetic piece of crap.

'_That's it James, you need to face the truth now, your friends don't care about you. There's no way that you can make yourself less feeble and useless. This is why your step-father beats you, he does it because you deserve it._' the voice starts whispering again but this time James starts fighting back. 'Maybe my friends do care, they did seem like they were concerned back in the apartment.' he says in minds. '_What you're saying isn't true and you know it! Kendall, Logan, and Carlos think you are a fucking pathetic, weak piece of shitty crap and so does everyone else, even your precious mom and biological dad._ The voice starts screaming into poor James' mind.

'It is true, they should hate me.' James walks faster and collapses under a secluded tree, tears fall down his face self-hating thoughts running through his head.

'I can't let them find out but how can I hide this when my mom and step-dad are going to be here in two days.'

**AN: I hope you liked this chapter, but if you guys didn't I may change the POV to first person. There will be another chapter later this week and if you guys have any idea for the story just message me, I'll get back to and I might add it to the story.**


	6. Chapter 6: A Caring Revelation

**AN: 9/23/12- I was only able to start typing up this chapter but we had picture day at school and I wore this really cute outfit, a blue and black checkered dress with a thin black belt, black leggings and black flats. Also, I wore awesome teal colored mascara.**

**9/29/12- I'm so happy that I got to walk in the Fall Festival Parade today. My lacrosse team and I threw candy at kids and we got to keep some candy. But we had a game later and it did not turn out well. I was a goalie during the game and the defense players on my team really, really pissed me off so much. They didn't mark up ( defend ) on the girl with the ball so the other team ran down the middle of the field and shot at the goal so many times. I had no defense in the second half of the game! And that's not the only thing, after the game when our coach was talking to us I said I had something to tell the team and he completely ignored me! (Asshole!) I told my mom because she's a co-coach on the team and she said it wasn't my place to say anything about it. Uhhhhhhhhhhh! The nerve of some people, I was the one with no defense so I should get to say something! I need to start plotting my revenge so please send me any suggestions if you have them.**

While James was having his angst-fest at the park Carlos, Logan, and Kendall were having a chat about said pretty boy.

"There's been something off about Jay." Kendall put it bluntly after the three hockey loving singers came out of their stupor. "Yeah, but he hasn't told us that anything is wrong. Maybe he's just worried about staying pretty." Carlos says even though he doesn't truly believe it himself.

"James has always worried about his looks but he's never acted like this. Something must be wrong and we're going to find out." Logan pops up from his slanted position a hard glint of determination in his warm, chocolate brown eyes.

"We have to do something to help him. It doesn't matter what the problem is, he's our friend and our brother." Kendall says hoping that James will let them help him.

"But what if he doesn't want our help?" Carlos asks, staring at Logan and Kendall with his irresistible puppy-dog eyes.

"Why wouldn't he want our help?! James knows we care about him and will do anything to help him." Kendall snaps in disbelief, confusion laced into his facial features.

"Think about it James hasn't told us that anything is going on so he might not want our help." Logan states.

The room goes silent as they let this sink in. Carlos, Kendall, and Logan want to help James, he's like a brother to them. But they just don't see why he would keep something from them. Aren't they best friends, didn't they promise to tell each other everything, to always help each other, never leaving one of them behind. This has been their unspoken motto since they met each other.

Various trains of thought run through their heads, but in none of them is James being beaten by his step-father and cutting himself.

They've heard about stuff like that happening, yet Kendall, Carlos, and Logan don't want to believe something so horrible would occur to anyone close to them. No one does.

"Well I don't care if he wants our help or not. He's going to get it no matter what happens." Carlos shoots up from his spot on the neon orange shaded couch, the pointer finger of his right hand turned toward the ceiling, and determination shining in his words.

"You're completely right Carlos. Whatta say we put plan 'help James' into action?" Kendall says with a grin and said plan coming together in his head.

"We say you're correct." Logan answers for both him and Carlos, but a matching grim face has come upon all three boys.

**AN: October 3, 2012 - Sorry that it's kind of short but I wanted to do some chapters that focused on Logan, Kendall, and Carlos so you guys can know their point of view. This story focuses on James but they are the ones who are going to help him get over his cutting. I'll have another chapter up by next weekend and I'll be posting a new chapter of 'A Secret Life' too. The updates will be slower because I'm working on a novel but I will try to update as quickly as possible. Just please don't be mad if my updates aren't for a while and I really don't want to disappoint my fans. I hope you like this chapter and if you want to suggest anything for the story just message me about it.**


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